Twisted Mirror: The Accidental Creation of Evil Universes

Trevor told me that in order to have more people read my blog I need to be more controversial. He specified religious controversy, however I would argue that some people's love of bad movies is almost religious. So here I will be controversial by pointing out the only thing that can possibly make Star Trek (2009) make sense. It takes place in the mirror universe.

The mirror universe was first introduced in Star Trek's second season when Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, and Uhura accidentally switched places with their evil counterparts. There they discovered a dark and twisted universe where the Federation of Planets has become the Terran Empire that commands an armada of ships whose main purpose is to do evil things (I assume). In this universe the characters we know have become twisted versions of themselves. Kirk is a self centered mass murderer. Spock is cold and prone to angry outbursts. Sulu is a thug. Uhura a seductress (since that's the evil role women always get) and the crew constantly torture each other with pain givers.

Mirror Spock attacks McCoy

Mirror Spock attacks Mirror Kirk

In Star Trek (2009) Spock and Nero went back in time thereby altering the time line and creating an alternate universe. In this alternate universe Kirk is a self centered jerk who only does things if they help him. He is arrogant and mean to his friends and fellow crew members. Spock is constantly having angry outbursts. Uhura makes out with other crew members while on duty. Scotty is a drunk, McCoy does medical experiments on his friends, and so on. The Federation commands an armada of warships and in the end promotes a cadet to captain merely because he has disposed of those above him. Clearly this is not a movie about the beginning of the Star Trek franchise. This is actually a movie about the creation of the mirror universe. Spock travels back in time altering the time line and leading to the creation of a dark and twisted universe.

I expect Spock to have a goatee in the next film.

UPDATE: Simon Pegg agrees with me. He recently said the following:

"I had this idea. I think that we might all be the mirror [universe] crew." Perhaps in the third movie, we'll see that "something's going to go to shit, we're all going to turn bad, Spock's going to grow a beard, and we're going to meet ourselves. That could happen."

http://io9.com/simon-peggs-startrek-reboot-theory-is-this-the-mirr-499064330

The Babes who didn't make it to Toyland.

Babes in Toyland, the 1961 adaptation of the 1903 operetta, is a dark and tragic movie about a destitute nursery rhyme character and her stolen children. I say stolen children since no explanation is supplied for where the children came from. I assume that the explanation was hidden because of the dark history, and in order to maintain the apparent innocence of the lead character. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

She looks awfully calm about the giant toy soldiers.

The main story of Babes in Toyland has to do with Mary Quite Contrary, a nursery rhyme character who is very bad at financial planning. Mary is coming into a huge inheritance but for some reason has no idea about it. The old miser Barnaby does know, I assume that this can only be because of his miser powers, and decides to marry Mary in order to get her money. The problem is that she is marrying Tom the Piper's son, but he fixes that by hiring some thugs to kill Tom.

I think people would respect me more if I dressed that way.

Its a well known fact that gypsies buy babies, and apparently grown men as well. So the thugs sell Tom and the gypsies train him to be one of them. In the space of a few hours he has learned all there is to know and goes to find Mary. But meanwhile Mary has realized that she can't support all the children she kidnapped over the years and so decides to marry Barnaby. The children run away trying to find the sheep that I forgot to mention were lost and pretty soon the children, Mary, and Tom all find themselves in the forest of no return.

The Trees explain that the name "Forest of No Return" is literal in meaning

And that's how the movie ends. Trapped in the forest of no return this small and strange family realize that they will have to live there forever.
Well okay its not the end, but it is the end of the copy I had recorded as a kid. It turns out there's a good forty minutes after that. They go to Toyland and discover that's its closed down. But Tom has a great idea!

Why not put the children to work, day and night, until the toys are ready? And so they do. The children work at an assembly line (seriously), but meanwhile Barnaby attacks and shrinks So, for those keeping score, Tom has now instituted child labour, and committed what I assume would be a war crime if it was possible.

The problem is that the second half of the movie is really boring while the first half is fun and quirky and has all of the rhyming couplets you could ever desire. So either nostalgia has hopelessly clouded my opinion of the first half of this movie or I liked it because it didn't have a second half.
And that is why I have decided that it didn't have a second half and rather it ends in the forest of no return. Creepy. But oddly satisfying.

The Forest of No Return (the real end of Babes in Toyland):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grLfr_GIeuU&feature=related