Ramblings about Life

I've decided to revive this old dead blog. Last time I decided to revive it I explained why I don't write more, and wrote about depression and the fear of failure. I don't want to repeat myself, and I'm going to try not to, but I'm also going to talk a bit about my life, about where my life is going, and how that factors into things like this. Mostly I'd like to talk about insecurity.

A couple years ago I was accepted to seminary despite failing Greek about a million times. Shortly afterwards I also decided that I wasn't going to go to Seminary. This left the question of what I was going to do. So I worked. I'd been working as an Educational Assistant for a couple years, and so I kept doing that. As I did so I decided that I probably could do the teacher's job, and so I applied to Education Programs at various universities, and then promptly got rejected from most of them. Last Spring was the most depressed I've been in years. I had very little motivation, or energy to do anything. I was gloomy, and probably not the best company. Long story short, I got into King's and my life had a direction again. I feel considerably less depressed. It's nice.

I want to talk about that feeling of being an impostor though. It was a feeling I often had in university. It's a feeling I often have now. The feeling that I'm here because I tricked someone into letting me in, and that before long they're going to figure it out and ask me to leave. I'm not sure where it comes from, but it's hard to shake.

When I was in high school I had a Physio Therapist who visited periodically to work with me in the gym. I hated it. I was always worried that everyone would find out and make fun of me, or that they would think that I was a freak. That I would be found out. One day she informed me that she was going to be coming with me on our bowling field trip. I informed her that that wouldn't be happening, and in the end I won. High School is hard enough without having an adult come with you to help you bowl.

I try to be open about these things now, because I think it's good to be open about our differences. It's not an easy thing to be open about. There is a desire to try to be the same as everyone else that is hard to shake. As a child I fought to be the same as everyone else, and I'm glad I did. A lot of aspects of that are still leftover. I had speech therapy for nine years, and because of that I would repeat what I had said under my breath after I said it in order to practice speaking better. If you listen closely you will notice that I often still mumble to myself after talking.

The thing is that I'm pretty sure that these feelings of being an impostor are probably a lot more common than I think. A lot of us think that deep down we're not like everyone else, and so we're worried that we'll be found out.

When I was a child I failed swimming lessons, and was told it was because my arms were floppy. So I started swimming daily. A different time my gym teacher almost failed me, so I started going to the gym at times when I knew no one would be there in order to practice on my own over and over.

When I failed Greek the first time I did work hard. Later it became harder and harder to work hard at it. I would stare at the letters and just feel panic. Once I was sitting in class and felt like the walls were closing in, and so I left and sat in the corner of the library until I calmed down.

The anxiety is there for a lot of things. As I got older I thought social situations would get easier. Sometimes they are, other times I stand silently around people wishing that I could think of something to say.

I think our society has enough of a Social Darwinist philosophy embedded in it that it is hard to shake the idea that we need to be talented and special in order to belong.We need to prove to ourselves and others that we belong and that we should get to belong. You can see this in movies; if there is a person with a disability we make sure that we demonstrate that they are really good at something else.

I find myself often thinking of the Beatitudes from Matthew 5:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

There is nothing there saying that the most capable or most amazing or most successful will be blessed.

Many of us question whether we should belong even when we seem to have been accepted. I wish I could convince myself that my presence isn't an irritant; That I add something of worth to the places I go. I think it doesn't really matter if I do or not though. We need to stop judging what people add or what good they do. We need to accept people for who they are, and love them. I do more damage to myself and others wondering if I belong than I would if I just got over it. It's easy to say that I'll get over something, it's slightly harder to do it.

The world seems to be getting more divided and more angry all the time. We spread messages of hate and fear, and separate ourselves from each-other more and more.

In school I have to think a lot about what kind of teacher I would be. And it's hard because there's a lot to keep in mind. I want to be the teacher who fights for the unwanted child. Who helps the child who is outcast. I want to be the teacher that cares, but who doesn't? Does anyone go into teaching saying "I just want to help the really smart kids"? Maybe. People can be jerks.

I think I failed Greek repeatably for many reasons, but one of them was because I decided I couldn't do it. The difference between my attitude towards Greek and my attitude towards swimming is that as a child I never really thought I couldn't do it. Failure was never an option to me, and I probably need to regain some of the "I think I can" attitude.

I really want to end this with something wise, but I don't know if I feel wise at the moment.

I'm going to end this by saying that I hope this made sense, and that it wasn't too whiny. I don't want to be the person who always talks about how hard they find their life to be. I want to be the person that people feel comfortable coming to. I don't want to be the person constantly worried that people think he's annoying. I want to be the person who people think won't judge them. It's hard. I'm working at it.

Maybe everyone feels like a fake at times. Maybe we can all be fakes together.